How does your attachment style affect your sexuality?

Written by: Anel Martínez



Time to read 3 min

In recent years, we’ve gained more consciousness about psychology, thus, how our childhood experiences affect the way we behave as an adult. This is the reason why recently there has been a lot of buzz lately about attachment style, as many studies have associated this attribute with our way of being and connecting with other people. And of course, there’s a lot of people in this world, therefore there are many styles to explain this phenomenon.

Why are there so many attachment styles?

Attachment styles develop in early childhood as a result of our interactions with our primary caregivers. These early experiences shape the way we perceive ourselves, others, and relationships.

The quality of our attachment to our caregivers is influenced by factors such as the caregiver’s sensitivity and responsiveness to our needs, the consistency and predictability of their care, and the level of support and comfort they provide. 

Based on these experiences, children develop internal working models or mental representations of themselves and their caregivers. These models shape their expectations of relationships and influence their behavior in future relationships. Thus, the attachment styles that we develop in childhood can persist into adulthood and affect our relationships throughout our lives.

child being loved and hugged by his dad

How many attachment styles are there?

There are four main attachment styles:  

  1. secure

  2. anxious (preoccupied)

  3. avoidant (dismissive)

  4. disorganized (fearful-avoidant).

These attachment styles reflect different ways of perceiving and responding to interpersonal relationships, based on the quality of our early attachment experiences. The attachment styles we develop can affect our emotional and social development, and can have implications for our relationships, including our romantic relationships, throughout our lives.

Can a certain style of attachment affect how this translates to the relationship?

So, now that we know that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, we should also acknowledge that the type of attachment style we develop is going to play a big role on how we interact in our relationships whether it is your family, friends or romantic relationships. This means that there is going to be a pattern when being in a relationship that’s closely related to our attachment style. 

Let’s take a look at each style and how it could impact the relationship: 

  • Let’s start with the anxious attachment style. Those who have an anxious attachment style may experience anxiety and insecurity in their relationships. This can lead to a desire for reassurance and validation, which may affect their sexual experiences.

  • Next, there’s the avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with intimacy and may be uncomfortable with emotional closeness. This can result in a fear of being vulnerable or being rejected by a partner.

  • There’s also a mix of both of these styles. People with a disorganized attachment style may have experienced trauma or abuse in their childhood, which can affect their ability to form healthy intimate relationships.

  • Last but not least, there are some who have a secure attachment style and tend to have healthy, satisfying intimate relationships. They feel comfortable with emotional closeness and are able to trust their partners. This can translate into a positive and fulfilling sexual experience.

angry man shouting at her worried wife

Sex and attachment style

Additionally, attachment theory proposes that individuals may use sex and physical intimacy as a way to seek emotional connection and validation, particularly if they have unresolved attachment issues. Here are some examples of sex behaviors associated with each attachment style:

Secure attachment:

  • Feeling comfortable and secure with intimacy and sexual expression.

  • Being able to communicate effectively with one’s partner about sexual desires and needs.

  • Enjoying physical touch and closeness during sexual encounters.

  • Trusting one’s partner and feeling safe and protected during sexual interactions.

Anxious attachment:

  • Seeking reassurance and validation through sex and physical intimacy.

  • Being preoccupied with one’s partner’s level of interest or commitment during sexual encounters.

  • Feeling insecure or anxious about one’s own sexual performance or desirability.

  • Worrying about being abandoned or rejected after sexual interactions.

Avoidant attachment:

  • Maintaining emotional distance during sexual encounters.

  • Preferring sex without emotional intimacy or attachment.

  • Feeling uncomfortable with physical touch or closeness during sexual interactions.

  • Avoiding sexual experiences that may lead to emotional attachment or vulnerability.

Disorganized attachment:

  • mix of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

young caucasian couple sleeping hugging in bed
Use this information for your advantage

Overall, our attachment style can impact our sexual experiences by influencing our ability to form intimate relationships, our level of comfort with emotional closeness, and our willingness to be vulnerable with a partner. It’s important to note that not everyone will display these behaviors in the same way or to the same degree, and that attachment styles are not fixed or immutable. 

Attachment theory can help provide insight into how our early attachment experiences may influence our behaviors and attitudes toward sex and intimacy in adulthood. It’s important to recognize our attachment style and work towards developing healthy attachment patterns to support our sexual and emotional well-being. The best way to do this is by accepting the past while working on present behaviors in order to build a better future. Consulting a mental health professional is sometimes the best option to guide you on this path

Anel Martínez

Author: Anel Martínez  (Sexual Coach at MYHIXEL)

Sexologist specializing in sex therapy and sex education, mental health and human behavior.