How to navigate a sexless marriage

A sexless marriage is any marriage in which the frequency of sex for the last year has occurred less than once.

According to a survey sample provided in Psychology Today, one in six married people in the United States are in marriages with little to no sex. Although sexless marriages may feel like a failure, they are pretty common and, in some cases, can be expected.

The first step in navigating this particular dynamic is first to pinpoint why the sex has stopped in your marriage, and you cannot figure this out on your own. It is a good practice to speak directly with your partner and inquire about what has changed in your marriage.

Do not make figuring out why your marriage has become sexless your primary responsibility. You're in this marriage together, so it’s only fair and logical that you both get to decide what has changed and whether or not this change is something you want to improve.

Get Rid of Assumptions

Don’t assume that you already know the answer. There may be something going on that you aren’t even aware of. It is not uncommon for partners to keep some information to themselves out of shame and embarrassment or because they are just as hesitant to approach the conversation as you are.

Don’t assume your partner is also content not having sex just because you haven’t had it for an extended period. Chances are they are just as dissatisfied with this reality as you are, but something is preventing them from approaching the conversation. 

Common misconceptions about sexless marriages

It’s only natural that having a sexless marriage might cause some level of discomfort and distress. It’s also highly likely that you may have even come up with your own ideas about why this has occurred and about what having a sexless marriage means about you.

One way to navigate such a difficult situation is to remind yourself that not all your thoughts are necessarily true. There are some common beliefs you’ll want to avoid to give yourself the best chance of resolving this situation rationally.

1. Our marriage is failing 

Sex is a significant component of modern marriages. If you’re like the vast majority of the population, you believe that a partner should be “your everything.” Your confidant, best friend, your equal and sexually compatible mate. But if you think about it, it places quite a lot of pressure on you to expect one partner to be everything to you at one time. We look for our partners to provide for all of our needs while also providing us with novelty and sexual excitement for the majority of the relationship.

Most often, our partners have multiple roles, such as parenting. When life happens, it can get increasingly challenging to be all things perfectly all the time. It’s a common belief to think that couples who are in satisfying marriages have sex frequently and consistently.

With all these expectations, it’s easy to jump to conclusions and think that less sex is a sign that your marriage is on the brink of divorce and that you both are somehow failing by not having frequent sex. However, there is evidence that there are couples who are happy in their sexless marriages.

There are many couples worldwide who do not consistently have sex whose marriages have survived.

Suppose you genuinely are dissatisfied with your marriage. In that case, it’s a good idea to think about whether or not this is purely a problem that you have or if you feel the pressure to have as much sex as you think everyone else in a “happy marriage” is having.

2. My partner does not desire me 

A lack of sex is not a foolproof indication that your partner is no longer attracted to you. Nor is it a solid indication that they do not want to have sex with you. One common reason for sexless marriages is that couples stop initiating sexual contact with one another out of fear or expectation that they will be rejected.

Although we often tend to correlate the action of having sex with our inner feelings and desires about having sex, it’s entirely possible your partner does desire sex and is attracted to you. Still, they may have another reason for not engaging in sex.

These reasons could be anything, such as working incompatible schedules, caring for aged parents, stress, working full time, mental health challenges, chronic illness, and many other reasons.

This belief has the potential to erode your relationship. Try not to make the frequency of sex be evidence of your desirability. Also, suppose it is true that a partner does not want to have sex with you at a particular time. This does not mean you are not desirable as a partner, even if it feels like it. It can just be that they don’t want to have sex at this specific moment in time for a reason that is not being communicated to you. And if that is the case, communication is the core problem you two need to work through, and sex is just a symptom of that core problem.

3. My partner resents me 

Resentment can undoubtedly be a reality for many couples in long-term marriages. However, unless your partner admits to these feelings of resentment, there’s no reason to assume this is how they feel about you.

It’s also possible for someone to not harbor feelings of hatred or negativity towards you but choose not to have sex. For example, couples who just recently had children are the most likely to stop having sex for an extended period due to adjusting to the presence of a new child or lower levels of sexual desire caused by breastfeeding or fatigue.

In the majority of relationships, the frequency of sex decreases over time. One primary reason for this is that one or both of you might feel a reduced need to maintain sex at this particular stage in your relationship.

Getting outside of your head and considering your particular context might be helpful. Ask yourself, have there been any recent changes or major events that have occurred right before you and your partner stopped having sex? If so, it’s much more likely this life change or change in context is a contributing factor as to why sex has ended.

How to approach having a conversation:

Before you approach the conversation, it's good practice to calm yourself. Research shows that how we approach a conversation reliably predicts how the rest of the conversation will unfold. Realizing that you’re unhappy about being in a sexless marriage can understandably bring about strong negative emotions such as pain, anger, frustration, anxiety, or sadness. Take a few minutes to center yourself before speaking. Approaching the conversation in a calm state may give you the best chance of having a productive discussion that doesn’t get carried away by you two reacting to one another.

Because our partners are so close to us, they often have a way of picking up on subtle cues, such as our body language, that communicate how we may be feeling. You’ll want to avoid potential misunderstandings by directly communicating about what specific emotions you feel about this situation.

Consider the best time to have the conversation. It’s not advised to pick a time when your partner is busy doing something else or after a challenging or stressful day. Be strategic about when you bring the conversation up. It may be a good idea to speak after you two have bonded, as this can put you both in a more positive mood and mindset before bringing up a heavier topic.

Make it a goal to define what sex means to you both. Give yourself permission to refine the role sex has in your relationship. It may have made sense earlier in your relationship to have sex multiple times a week. Considering your context now with increasing demands with work, children, and parental responsibilities, it might make more sense to have less sex due to personal desires for it. It’s also okay to not hold your partner or yourself to the same standards you had when you first married.

People and their wants change over time. This is simply a regular part of aging and being in close connection with another person. Consider the fact that also not having sex could be an indication that one or both of you desire to have different kinds of sex than what you’ve experienced in the past. Discuss specifics about what kind of sex you want to have and what you wish sex to look like.

In a healthy relationship, partners should openly discuss their individual needs. Being in a sexless marriage is another opportunity to practice that skill. In general, you and your partner should regularly share what your needs are in the relationship (both asexual and non) and negotiate with one another around those needs. You both may need to take some time to consider what negotiating around sex looks like for you.

Avoid blaming your partner or yourself for not having more sex. When talking about your feelings, you can let your partner know your specific emotions using “I” language. You can say, for example, “I feel,” then name your particular emotion. You can also explain in what specific situations when you feel that particular emotion. For instance, you could say, “I feel sad when I initiate sex and get rejected.” “I feel disappointed and think I’m failing as a husband when we don’t have consistent sex.” Be upfront.

It is common for men to seek out support groups and social support from friends and family while in this situation. It is excellent to get support, but I would caution you not to specifically seek out friends or family to give input and speak to your wife about your sexless marriage together as a way to avoid talking to your partner yourself. Although bringing in a third person might give you some relief from the anxiety you feel because the anxiety can be spread out across multiple people, adding nonprofessionals into the mix might do more harm than good. This may also be an unconscious way that you’re attempting to resolve the situation without facing the discomfort of conversing with your partner. It is excellent, however, to speak with a trained sex therapist or engage in social support groups with others who are in sexless marriages.  

References:

Donnelly, D. A. (1993). Sexually Inactive Marriages. Journal of Sex Research, 30(2), 171-179. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499309551698

Donnelly, D. A., & Burgess, E. O. (2008). The Decision to Remain in an Involuntarily Celibate Relationship. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 70(2), 519-535. https://research.ebsco.com/c/udgvh3/viewer/html/wveabcy7nz

Burdenski, T. (2017). Sexual Intimacy. In the sage encyclopedia of marriage, family, and couples counseling (Vol. 4, pp-1535-1538). SAGE Publications, Inc, https://doi.org/10.4135/9781483369532.