The Human Sexual Response: Differences Between Men and Women

Demystifying Differences in Desire: Understanding the Stages of Sexual Response

As a sex therapist, I often see men come into my office feeling frustrated and confused.  They can’t seem to understand why there is so much of a sexual disconnect between them and their partners during sex. 

To be honest, I can’t blame them. Men and women do in fact experience the same four stages of sexual response. However, the subtle differences quickly add up and can leave a partner feeling less than satisfied after a sexual encounter. 

In this post, we'll revisit Masters and Johnson's original  four stages of the sexual response cycle , while also weaving in insights from contemporary sexual health research. I will also lean on my clinical practice to provide a fuller picture of how our bodies and minds respond during sexual encounters and help you become a more responsive and attuned sexual partner.

The Four Stages of Sexual Response: A Closer Look

1. Excitement: The Spark Ignites 

This initial stage of arousal begins with  vasocongestion, a rise in blood flow to body tissues due to psychological or physical stimulation preparing the body for penetrative intercourse. Both men and women experience an elevated heart rate and may also have a flushing sensation during this phase.

•  For men, blood rushes to the  corpora cavernosa, causing an erection. The testicles begin to rise, as the scrotum also tightens.

•  For women, increased blood flow swells the inner and outer vaginal lips, engorges the clitoral tissue, and lubricates the vaginal walls. The upper vagina begins to expand (tenting), the uterus begins to elevate, and the lower vagina narrows as it fills with blood.

Key Difference: Is not only how we get there but when we get there. On average, men not only tend to become more quickly aroused than women but they also tend to be motivated to have sex due to physiological response alone, while women tend to be motivated by sexual pleasure, and/or love and commitment to their partner (Meston, C. M., & Buss, D. M., 2009; Bancroft, et.al, 2009).

Tip #1:   Foreplay is coreplay: This difference underscores the importance of  foreplay , allowing women the time needed to reach a comparable level of arousal. Gentlemen,  the brain is the most powerful sexual organ . Help your partner feel more at ease and connected to you to help avoid pain during initial penetration. (For more on this, be sure to read our post on  The importance of foreplay for deeper connection.)

2. Plateau: Building the Intensity

As sexual stimulation continues,  the level of muscular tension stabilizes at a heightened level , while heart rate and breathing continue to increase.

•  For men , the prostate gland enlarges, the testicles continue to swell and elevate, and the head of the penis may swell slightly and deepen in color.

•  For women , the labia continue to swell and deepen in color, vaginal lubrication may plateau or decrease, the clitoris retracts further, the uterus continues to elevate, and the upper part of the vagina continues to expand.

Key Difference: Time strikes again! On average it takes men anywhere  from 4-7 minutes  to reach orgasm after that initial arousal stage. Women on the other hand take an average of anywhere between  15-20 minutes  to reach orgasm.

Pro Tip #2: Enjoy the build up and mix it up!  Fellas, your tongue is a powerful tool! Your partner is wanting an experience. Try starting off with deep passionate kisses, perform oral sex on her, before switching to penetrative intercourse, and then back to performing oral on her. 

3. Orgasm: The Peak of Pleasure

Finally! The accumulated muscular tension ( myotonia ) culminates in involuntary, rhythmic muscular contractions. Both men and women often experience a euphoric, altered state of consciousness during orgasm.

•  For men, orgasm usually involves two phases: semen entering the urethral bulb and mixing with sperm, and the forceful release of semen from the penis, which often triggers an orgasm.

•  For women , the primary contractions occur in the uterus and outer vagina.

Key Difference: What gets us there! While men are highly likely to experience orgasm during penetrative intercourse, most women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. In fact, Masters and Johnson's early findings, noted that most women in their study primarily reached orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone.

Pro tip #3:   There’s more than one way to stimulate the clitoris. Communication is everything! Let her guide you and instruct you on ways she likes her clitoris played with. Fingers? Tongue? Toys? Possibilities are truly infinite. Integrating a  variety of these techniques in addition to penetrative intercourse increases the likelihood women will reach orgasm  (Frederick, et.al, 2018). 

4. Resolution: Returning to Baseline

Following orgasm, the body gradually returns to its non-aroused state.

•  For men , blood flow decreases in the penis, causing the erection to subside. The testicles then descend back to their relaxed position.

•  For women , the clitoris and labia slowly return to their unaroused size and state as flushing also dissipates.
  
  

Key difference:  Deciding when we get to enjoy the after-play. Post ejaculation, most men experience a  refractory period, a temporary inability to ejaculate due to the release of prolactin. This period can vary in length but it makes immediate re-arousal and orgasm less likely. This is the same hormone that can cause drowsiness and fatigue. In other words, you're going to need to rest, or at a minimum wait, before you’re ready for round 2. 

Notably,  many women have the physiological capacity for subsequent orgasms  if pleasurable stimulation continues after the initial climax (Meston & Buss, 2009).

Pro tip #4:   Aim for her orgasm first!  Men tend to experience a drowsy state after they ejaculate. You might feel worn out, tired, and ready for a quick nap after sex.  Putting in the work up front allows you to enjoy  your hard earned rest after sex. 

Final Takeaways

Perhaps the most crucial takeaway is that  there is no single "right" way to experience sexual pleasure  and time is a big factor in all of the stages. While the sexual response model provides a helpful framework, many individuals may not experience all stages linearly or in the same way, and still have fulfilling sexual lives. 

Women’s satisfaction is not necessarily contingent on whether they reach orgasm or not, but appears to be related to other factors including feeling connected to their partner, having the experience be pain-free, and an overall positive emotional conclusion (Salisbary & Fisher, 2014; Heiman, et.al, 2008). 

After care matters!  Continue to check in and communicate with your partner , both before and after sex, at a neutral time, outside of the bedroom. This is the best way to both learn what you both enjoy.

References:
 

• Bancroft, J., Graham, C. A., Janssen, E., & Sanders, S. A. (2009). The dual control model: Current status and future directions.  Journal of sex research, 46  (2-3), 121-142. 
  
  
• Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S. T., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a US national sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(1), 273-288. 
  
  
• Heiman, J. R., Talley, D. R., & Bailen, J. L. (2008). Sexual function and satisfaction in hetero-sexual couples when men are administered sildenafil (Viagra) for erectile dysfunction: a multicentre, randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled trial. J Sex Med, 5, 530-535. 
  
  
• Meston, C. M., & Buss, D. M. (2009).  Why women have sex: Understanding sexual motivations from adventure to revenge (and everything in between)  . Macmillan. 
  
  
• Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. (1966). The sexual response cycle. In  Human Sexual Response  (pp. 3-8). Little Brown & Company. 
  
  
• Salisbury, C. M., & Fisher, W. A. (2014). “Did you come?” A qualitative exploration of gender differences in beliefs, experiences, and concerns regarding female orgasm occurrence during heterosexual sexual interactions. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(6), 616-631.